Harry Potter and the Phantom Menace
by Anonymous Quill
Summary: This is a messed up fanfic about what life would be like if Harry was a Jedi. It is all messed and there is lots of swearing. Beware.


HARRY POTTER and the PHANTOM MENACE  
  
  
  
Harry stared blankly at the ceiling of his bedroom at the Dursleys. He longed to go back to Hogwarts and to see all of his friends. He missed Hermione and Ron terribly. Also, he wanted to complete his Jedi, wizard training.  
  
There was a loud bang on the door. So the last day of summer began.  
  
"GET UP, BOY!" Aunt Petunia yelled loudly to him. Harry sat up and rubbed his eyes miserably. Using the force, he called his glasses to his hand and put them on. Then, he stood up and dressed, wearing the brown Jedi robes over his unusually baggy clothes.  
  
Harry stumbled down the stairs of Number Four, Privet Drive.  
  
"Make breakfast! And take off that piece of a sack you call a robe!" Uncle Vernon grumbled at the young Jedi.  
  
Harry pulled out his light saber quickly, that was his way of saying no. Uncle Vernon trembled and then allowed Harry to keep the robe.  
  
Harry proceeded to make the Dursleys there breakfast using the force, cutting the grass and the bushes with his light saber and then finally getting sent to his room because the Dursleys found his magic annoying, but his Jedi training overwhelming. Harry was so happy that soon, he would be taking the Hogwarts Express back to school.  
  
**  
  
In the morning, Harry woke up bright and early and packed his things. He woke up Uncle Vernon and made him drive him to the train station with the light saber to his uncle's back.  
  
The car pulled up to the gates of the train station, and Harry got out of the car with no good-byes to Uncle Vernon. The car drove away quickly, leaving Harry at the train station.  
  
Then, the young Jedi passed the barrier to the Hogwarts express. Except, instead of a train, there was a space shuttle labeled the "Hogwarts Express."  
  
"Hey HARRY!" Ron shouted as he and Hermione ran up to him. "How's your summer been? What's up with the braid?" So he noticed. Harry had a Jedi braid in the back. Oh well, best not say anything he thought.  
  
"Fine," Harry replied.  
  
"Oh, Harry, I've missed you terribly!" Hermione began, "…wait…where is King Cross Station?"  
  
"I like what they did to the Hogwarts Express," Ron said, awing the space shuttle.  
  
"Are we in the right place," she said looking at the sign. Sure enough, it read 9 ¾. "I mean, this isn't right. What happened to the train?"  
  
"I dunno, but this is way cooler," Ron said to her. She frowned and then turned to Harry.  
  
"Do you know anything?"  
  
"Er…no," Harry lied, but badly.  
  
"Attention, the launch will be in fifteen minutes. All students please board the ship immediately," came from the speaker. Harry, Ron and a still complaining Hermione decided to board the ship, the Hogwarts Express.  
  
After putting on their spacesuits and strapping into the seats, they all began to talk.  
  
"What are we doing in a space ship?" a seventh year Ravenclaw asked.  
  
"This is cooler than I ever imagined," said a first year girl.  
  
But, Harry sat in silence. Hermione and Ron agreed that he must know something.  
  
"What's with the ship?" Ron asked Harry. Harry shrugged. So things had changed, big deal. They didn't have to know that he was a Jedi, did they?  
  
"Harry, we know you know….AHHHH!" Hermione screamed. The space ship was taking off. "I hate flying on planes, but spaceships? Oh dear goodness." Ron threw his hands in the air like so many other students and shouted "WHOOOOO! WEEEEEE!" Harry just smiled.  
  
Suddenly, someone grabbed onto his arm and clung to it. It was Hermione.  
  
"Oh, dear goodness, dear goodness, dear goodness!" she wailed, crying.  
  
"Hermione, it's OK," Harry reassured her.  
  
"No, this isn't right," she said defensively. "What happened to the train, I liked the train! Oh dear goodness."  
  
"Hermione, calm down, it'll be…"  
  
"No, Harry! We are going into space! That is NOT all right! What, is the school in space?! Oh dear goodness!"  
  
Harry didn't say anything for awhile as Hermione was clinging onto him like a helpless child. It could be worse, she could be holding Ron like that. He was her boyfriend after all, he should comfort her.  
  
"Students, we are now out of the atmosphere…"  
  
"Oh dear goodness," Hermione moaned.  
  
"…you are now allowed to unhook your safety belts and experience anti- gravity." The speaker cut off after that.  
  
Ron immediately unhooked his seatbelt and started to float around like the rest of the students. Harry also unhooked and then faced Hermione.  
  
"It'll be OK. Hey, now you can tell your parents that you've been in space, they'll be very impressed," he said sweetly to her.  
  
"Really?" she said faintly.  
  
"Come on, Hermione, unhook, it's sort of fun," Harry said. She did so and started to float around.  
  
  
  
The very confused students left the shuttle and enter a "Hogwarts" that looked like the Death Star.  
  
The Great Hall was very different. All of the same people were there, except Dumbledore; of course, he would walk in later.  
  
They sat at the house tables and waited. Hermione shakily kept saying, "Oh dear goodness," until Ron jabbed her in the ribs. Harry got defensive and pulled out his wand.  
  
"LOOK, HARRY POTTER'S GOT A…GREEN GLOWY THING!" somebody shouted. Shit, he had pulled out his light saber instead.  
  
"Er…" he said, putting his saber away and then pulled out his wand, mumbling, "Don't hurt Hermione."  
  
Then, the doors opened. Everyone, turned, expecting to see Dumbledore.  
  
"HEY, YOU'RE NOT DUMBLEDORE!" a student shouted.  
  
There at the doorway stood an old, green, two-foot tall thing that Harry knew. His name was Yoda.  
  
"Dumbledore I am not," Yoda said, nodding to the student. "New headmaster I am your." That was Yoda, Harry thought to himself.  
  
Yoda went and sat in the Headmaster's chair.  
  
"WHERE'S DUMBLEDORE YOU GREEN FREAK?" Fred yelled at Yoda.  
  
"Here he is not," Yoda replied.  
  
"That's not proper English," Hermione said to Harry and Ron. "Did he fail his courses at school?"  
  
"Shhh…that's Yoda, he's…" Harry began. The Gryffindor table stared at him oddly. He blushed and sank down in his seat.  
  
"School year welcome to," Yoda began, "Gone Dumbledore is, headmaster I am. Food we shall eat." The golden plates filled with mouth-watering food and everyone dug in.  
  
Suddenly, the doors burst open. Oh not again, Harry thought. Voldemort.  
  
"Muh-ha-ha-ha!" he exclaimed. "Prepare to meet your doom Potter!" He pointed his wand at Harry.  
  
Harry just stared at him.  
  
"HEY, HOW'D YOU GET HERE? WE'RE IN SPACE, GODDAMNIT! YOU CAN'T FLY ON A BROOM HERE! WHAT, WERE YOU IN THE SPACESHIP? AND IF YOU WERE, WHY DIDN'T YOU KILL HARRY THEN, YOU BASTARD? YOU ARE SUCH A FU…" George shouted at him.  
  
"Shut up, you stupid child!" Voldemort shouted at him. "How I got here is none of your business, so fuck off!"  
  
"Invite him, I did," Yoda said with a smile. "New teacher he is."  
  
"YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!" Fred and George shouted at Yoda.  
  
"Idiot I am not," Yoda replied.  
  
"HEY, I am still here!" Voldemort said, waving his arms frantically so he could have attention, "I'm the Dark Lord! Pay attention to me and not the stupid green thing!" Voldemort shouted. Everyone turned their eyes to him again. "Now, where was I? Oh yes. NOW I KILL YOU HARRY POTTER!"  
  
"Oh, he's still here," Ron groaned.  
  
Then, Harry stood up and pulled out his light saber and then proceeded to cut Voldemort's wand in half.  
  
"I'm not in the mood for this today," Harry said as he walked back to his seat. Voldemort was shocked.  
  
"IT'S THE GREEN GLOWY THING AGAIN!"  
  
"Shut it," Harry said as he sat down at the table.  
  
"Insult Harry not," Yoda said. Everyone looked at Yoda again. "Nice to him be."  
  
"YOU ARE FUCKED UP!" George and Fred shouted at him.  
  
"Fucked up I am not," Yoda replied.  
  
Harry was watching the fight when suddenly someone started strangling him. Voldemort dragged him out of his seat.  
  
"Oh look, there goes Harry Potter," a Gryffindor said.  
  
"Not again," the school chorused.  
  
Harry summoned his light saber with the force. He kicked Voldemort's shin and soon was standing in front of him.  
  
"This is so old. Harry keeps winning," a student said.  
  
"Yeah, I mean, it would sure spice things up if he died," another replied.  
  
"Impressive," Voldemort critiqued him. "Why not join the dark side?"  
  
"Do it HARRY!" Fred said.  
  
"Yeah, it sounds cool," George said in awe.  
  
"LET ME JOIN!" Draco Malfoy shouted.  
  
"No! Now shut the fuck up! Ahem, anyway, you would make an excellent Death Eater."  
  
"Never, you killed my father!" Harry shouted, taking a step back.  
  
"WAY TO GO! RESIST PEER PRESSURE!" Hermione cheered.  
  
"Voldemort is way too old to be his peer," Ron muttered.  
  
"No," Voldemort said, ignoring Ron and Hermione, "I AM your father!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed, sinking to his knees. Suddenly, a loud breathing came.  
  
"That was my line," the voice said.  
  
"Oh no, Dart Vader!" Harry groaned. "I thought Luke killed you, or somebody else."  
  
"Well, I'm alive," he said slowly, then, he inhaled and exhaled loudly twice. "Oh, is this the acclaimed Jedi Knight, Harry Potter?"  
  
"Shh…not in front of all of these people!" Harry hissed.  
  
"HEY, IF I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER, I'D SAY THAT THIS IS JUST LIKE STAR WARS!" Dean Thomas shouted. "IT IS! THAT IS SO COOL! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!"  
  
A Storm Trooper suddenly jumped out of nowhere and shot Dean in the back. He collapsed, face first in his food. Ron then pushed him on the ground.  
  
"I never really liked him anyway," he said happily. Then, he turned to the Storm Trooper. "Hey, thanks, nobody liked him! Thanks for shutting him up, man!" The trooper nodded in acknowledgment.  
  
Meanwhile, Voldemort and Darth Vader were having their own troubles.  
  
"I AM HARRY'S FATHER!" Voldemort shrieked. "ME, ME, ME!"  
  
"You are mistaken, I am his father! It's my line, you thief!" Darth Vader said, proceeding to inhale and exhale.  
  
"WE ARE BOTH THIVES YOU IDIOT!" Voldemort replied, "I KNOW! WE'LL DO A DNA TEST!"  
  
"BRILLIANT!" Darth Vader said, then took a breath.  
  
"I don't WANT you to test my DNA!" Harry said as they both grabbed him. "NO! I WON'T DO IT AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" Harry escaped and then stuck his tongue out at them both.  
  
"Test you will not do," Yoda said, stepping in front of Harry. "His father I am!"  
  
"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS YOU FREAK!" Darth Vader and Voldemort shrieked at him together.  
  
"Father I am, fathers you are not," Yoda replied.  
  
The three of them began to argue about who was his father.  
  
"Ahem," a woman said.  
  
"Princess," Harry sighed with relief. "Thank god. Can you tell them that James Potter is my dad? They are getting annoying."  
  
Princess Leiah nodded. "HEY, HARRY IS NOT ANY OF YOUR SONS! YOU ALL SHOULD STOP ARGUING ABOUT IT!" she shouted.  
  
The three of them stopped arguing and looked at her.  
  
"Thank you!" Harry said, hugging her. Hermione went red in the face.  
  
"HEY, HARRY'S MY BOYFRIEND!" she screamed, pushing Harry of off the princess. "Harry, don't you touch her!"  
  
"You, did you know that I am the princess? I can have anyone I wish to, including Harry!" Leiah grabbed Harry's arm. She then kissed him on the lips. Hermione couldn't take it anymore. She pushed a smiling; blushing Harry away and then tackled Leiah to the ground.  
  
"HEY, THAT'S MY DAUGHTER, LITTLE GIRL!" Darth Vader exclaimed, then took in a breath. He and Yoda grabbed Hermione.  
  
"Hurt the princess you shall not" Yoda said, shaking his head at Hermione.  
  
"HEY, LEAVE HERMIONE ALONE!" Harry said, pulling out his light saber.  
  
"IT'S THE GREEN GLOWY THING AGAIN!" a student shouted.  
  
While all of this conflict was going on, Draco ran up to Voldemort.  
  
"Let's kill Harry," he whispered to him. "Please, I've wanted to for so long."  
  
"No, he's my son," Voldemort replied, watching Leiah and Hermione's fight.  
  
"Ah, you are no fun!" Draco said. "Well, you have no use here. Avada Kerdava." Voldemort then fell down dead cold to the ground.  
  
"HEY LOOK! MALFOY KILLED VOLDIE!" Fred shouted.  
  
"My hero," Leiah shouted, getting out of the fight, running up and kissing him on the lips.  
  
"HA! I STOLE HARRY'S GIRLFRIEND!" Draco shouted happily.  
  
"Leiah," Darth Vader said, "You are not allowed to date!"  
  
"Oh, Daddy," Leiah whined.  
  
"No!" Darth Vader said firmly.  
  
Harry couldn't take this anymore. He pulled out his light saber and killed Darth Vader and Princess Leiah.  
  
"That's what you get for kissing Malfoy," Harry said as her body fell to the ground in two pieces.  
  
"IT'S THE GREEN GLOWY THING AGAIN!"  
  
"Harry, you are my hero!" Hermione sighed.  
  
"Hero you are not. Princess you have killed," Yoda said, shaking his head at Harry.  
  
Harry couldn't stand him anymore so he took his light saber and killed the Jedi Master Yoda.  
  
"WHOO! NO MORE HEADMASTER!" Fred said.  
  
"He was annoying anyway," George replied.  
  
"Hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that Harry is a Jedi!" Ron said, puzzled, as usual.  
  
"LOOK! POTTER'S GOT THE GREEN GLOWY THING AGAIN!" 


End file.
